How to Use a Feelings Wheel to Support Your Child
In our years of supporting students on their journey to being on the pathway to success and walking in their God-given purpose, we notice that many students have not developed the ability to tap into and identify their feelings. This is important because students need to know how to advocate for themselves and make the necessary adjustments and requests in real-time to maximize their ability to show up as their best selves.
So what is a feelings wheel? A Feelings Wheel is a tool used to help recognize and communicate feelings. Although it may seem unnecessary, a Feelings Wheel is a way to work smarter, not harder, with teenagers when identifying and managing emotions. To get a better picture, a Feelings Wheel is a circle that at the center has “core” or basic emotions (emotions that are more easily identified or expressed) and more complex or “secondary” emotions on the outer edge. See an example down below.
The more specific your student can be in labeling their emotions, the more understanding you will have for them and they will have for themselves. This is about allowing students to operate from a place of compassion toward themselves and toward you as parents. My go-to feeling when I was a teen was “anxious.” It was my answer when I was overwhelmed, worried, insecure, disappointed, or powerless. But really, it was my answer to explain my negativity without having to be vulnerable. Aren’t those other secondary emotions more honest and accurate though?
A Feelings Wheel supports us on our journey to opening up, being vulnerable and practicing authentic living, instead of hiding behind what is the easy or standard answer. Increased relief and true authenticity comes with increased specificity in identifying our emotions and empathizing with them.
Use these four tips to implement the use of the feelings wheel with your children.
1. Use it frequently.
When students come to visit our test prep center or we begin one of our test prep classes, we typically ask the standard question, “how are you doing? or How are you feeling today?” Students typically respond by saying, “I’m good Ms. Tai. or I’m ok.” I always require more detail from our students but I notice that they don’t always have the language to express themselves more accurately. So, I use the feelings wheel as an additional support. The Feelings Wheel can be added to conversations about the highs and lows of each person’s day with the students at the beginning of our class. Parents can also use it with the whole family at dinner or in the car. This allows greater insight into what your teenager’s day has been like as well as normalizes talking about real emotions instead of using just the easy or go-to answer. When you participate in using a Feelings Wheel, you are modeling appropriate ways to process and communicate emotions as well as giving them an opportunity to share without feeling targeted or in the spotlight.
2. Use it before the breakdown.
During a session I had with a student, I could tell he was under a lot of pressure to be successful in the high school admissions process. Specifically, his parents wanted him to work even harder to get into a Specialized High School by scoring a high score on the practice exams and on the homework assignments. The high expectations started to have a negative impact on the student and it became apparent during sessions where the content was more difficult that the student began to have a physiological response to the pressure. For some reason, even thought I noticed the shift in his disposition and that his energy level changed, he would never speak up about it. He would allow the session to continue which was causing his internal turmoil to become more severe. I asked him how he was feeling and he just said I’m ok. But I was clear that he wasn’t. Before the breakdown happened, I pulled out the feelings wheel to supply him with the words to express himself and he was able to say that he felt stressed. In times like this, you have a good opportunity to have a one-on-one conversation with your teen so you can bring light to whats really going on and better support your teen to understand when and why their energy and emotions shifted. Use the feelings wheel to help them identify the emotions they are feeling in that moment. Typically, when we hold our emotions in, they eventually explode. Being able to talk prior to an explosion can be preventative by allowing them to take care of their emotions before they are forced to. Emotions demand to be felt. You can choose when to take care of them, or they will choose for you.
3. Use it during a breakdown.
Your teenager may or may not be the “blow up” type, but that doesn’t mean all is well inside. If you notice a shift in their academic performance, behavioral issues, capacity to eat food, motivation and discipline, something deeper could be going on. If your child seems more quiet or isolated, it can be helpful for you to pursue a conversation with them and check in to see how they are doing on the inside. Referencing the Feelings Wheel can help them see what they may be experiencing and is a beginning to understanding it better. Sometimes they might not even realize what is going on inside of them until they are given the words, especially since there may be situations in which some feelings and expressions of those feelings seem similar to one another.
4. Empathize.
We all respond to situations differently, and our emotional response is no exception. By being specific in how we use our emotions we can pinpoint a common shared experience that will us to understand what each other may be feeling. If we empathize with where they are, it allows them to feel accepted even if you do not agree. (That is a conversation for another time!)
Again, this may seem like a completely different shift from your family’s norm and may even be a little awkward at first, but can you imagine what it would be like for your family to have the freedom to communicate with each other how you are actually doing? This could be a brand new avenue for each person in the family not only to be able to understand each other but to know how to take care of each other as well. This would continue to make your home the safe haven everyone runs to the best part being that everyone becomes involved in making it happen.
